The Shota Diaries
by satiric-pandas
Summary: It's not a diary, it's a manly journal of manliness where Len can record the manly events of his life, like a man! Eventual Len/Gumi.
1. Chapter 1

**This seemed like a good idea at the time.**

* * *

**_September 8th_**

Okay, you know what? This isn't a diary. It's a manly book where I record the events of my manly life so I don't go insane. Because I'm NOT A FREAKING SHOTA, OKAY?!

Sorry.

But seriously, how would you feel if everyone called you some variant of the word "shota"? It gets annoying after a while, especially after even your own twin sister starts calling you one. Take, for instance, this morning, the first day after summer break. Meaning I actually had to go to school, even though I was still on a wake-up-at-noon schedule. Of course, Rin, being the perfect little student she is, was up at five o'clock just so she could get herself ready before waking ME up.

Therefore, at promptly six o'clock AM, my (technically) little sister barged into my room, yanked the covers off of me, and yelled, "WAKE UP, SHOTABOY!"

No. Just, no. The only reason I actually got up was to strangle her for calling me that, but she had already gone. In retrospect, she had probably planned that...

...

Damn you, Rin. I will get revenge. Don't blame me when all the oranges mysteriously disappear.

Right, so, anyway, I ended up actually having to get out of bed and get myself ready to return to the hellhole that is Crypton Future High School. Only this year, I'm a sophomore! Yay!

...even though I'm still only fourteen. Thanks, mom and dad. Why couldn't we have been born in March or something? We barely make the age limit for being in tenth grade. I was, like, four for most of kindergarten.

Anyway. Now we're in the car, and I'm pretty sure Lily, our older sister, is either hungover or half-asleep. Or both. Seeing as she's driving the only car on the road, I think we're fine for now.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Homeroom, woohoo. It's still dark out. If I can see Polaris in the sky, I shouldn't be at school. But does anyone care? NooOOOOOOooo. I miss being able to play Red Dead Redemption all day already, and school hasn't even really started yet. Boo.

Everyone's comparing schedules. I'm pretending to be invisible until

...

Shit. Kaito and Gakupo found me. Luckily, the rabidly insane members of my "fanclub" haven't, so I'm safe. For now. Dear God, I'm going to start wearing a disguise if this year is the same as last.

But you know what Kaito and Gakupo called me? "Shotaboy". Just like Rin. I wouldn't be surprised if she texted everyone and told them to call me that. I'm going to dissect her teddy bear or something.

Or tell everyone she still sleeps with a teddy bear. That'd be funny.

Whoops, late bell rang! That means Meiko-sensei will be here to teach us chemistry soon, hopefully sober.

Please, God, let her be sober.

...

She's not sober.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

So last period was basically Hell on Earth. Meiko is Kaito's cousin, so she always gives all of us a hard time. All of us meaning me, Kaito, Gakupo, Rin, Miku, and Luka. JUST 'CAUSE SHE USED TO BABYSIT US DOESN'T MEAN SHE CAN PUSH US AROUND IN CLASS. WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF PROFESSIONALISM, SENSEI?

Oh, right. It went down the toilet with last night's sake. Honestly, Kaito should say something to her. Like, I dunno, tell her rice wine isn't a legitimate breakfast food or something.

At least she didn't call me "Shotaboy", though. There's a bonus point.

So now it's third period because apparently CFHS decided to go with block scheduling this year, meaning we have odd classes on one day and even classes on another. Which also means we don't have to do seven classes' worth of homework in one night. YAYZ!

...

I didn't just say that.

Our teacher this period (aka Geometry) is Ann-sensei, though, who everyone calls "Sweet Ann" because she gives out free candy and stuff. She's pretty cool.

Crap, she's coming.

...

ALL THE COOLNESS JUST WENT AWAY

SERIOUSLY?! TOTALLY NOT SWEET, ANN

She just placed me right in the middle of my clan of rabid fangirls, and now they're breathing over my shoulder. Personal space, por favor y gracias. But I'm writing under the desk, so they can't see me.

...

Miku, Rin, and Kaito are giving me looks of mock sympathy. Those lucky jerks get to sit together on the other side of the room. This is a triple offense for Rin, and Kaito's not on my good list either because of his stupid alcoholic of a cousin. Miku's okay, though. For now.

Fifth period, hurry up.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Yay, lunch period! And Kaito-kun and Miku-chan and Gaku-kun are here! Huzzah!

This is...AP World History, according to my schedule. And our teacher is Lola-sensei, who's pretty cool. She's, like, average, y'know?

And since it's the first day of school, we're obviously not doing anything. And I actually get to sit with my friends, so yay.

Speaking of friends, they are now attempting to converse with the "Shotaboy", also known as Len Kagamine. Seriously, I could give them all nicknames right now. Leek Girl, Bakaito, and Eggplant Head. Done.

Bakaito's my favorite. I'm so using that from now on.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Last period, and I'm all alone. *cue sad music*

Everyone else is taking gym this year, so I'm left in English with no friends. Well, no close friends. The fangirls are here, and so is some green-haired chick who I think is related to Gakupo. Maybe I'll go talk to...never mind. She's talking to some Korean girl wearing...cat ears?

...

So she can wear cat ears and not be called names, but just because I'm short and adorable I'm suddenly Shotaboy? Unfair. I'd actually take Lennykins over Shotaboy.

Anyways, back to my situation. I'm all alone. But Leon-sensei is our teacher, so it's cool. Not as if it were Meiko or something. Whoever gave her a teaching degree needs to be locked up in an insane asylum.

The fangirls are eyeing me strangely. I'm expecting an attack after school.

Excuse me while I text Rin real quick.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

I WAS RIGHT

THEY NEARLY TORE MY SHIRT OFF

And it's the one with a bunch of bananas on it too, dammit! This is my FAVORITE SHIRT. And now Lily-chan says it's ruined forever.

F

M

L

But they totally jumped me after school. I was just walking through the hallway and suddenly I'm being glomped from all directions. And then I end up on the floor surrounded by random girls confessing their love for me.

I don't understand it at all. How can they love me if I don't even know them? How can they possibly know me well enough to say they love me? You know how people always say "Hate is a strong word"? Well, "love" is just as strong, and people throw it around like a Frisbee.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR A SHOT–

No. I'm not a shota.

I didn't mean to say shota.

Nope.

Hurry up and finish signing that shit, Lily. I need to go lock myself in my room and never come out.

I AM NOT A SHOTA

THE DOCTOR SAYS MY WEIGHT AND HEIGHT ARE TOTALLY NORMAL

* * *

**_September 9_**

You know what's really uncreative? My "nickname". Seriously, "Shotaboy"? There are probably a bajillion more puns you could make. Like Shotahontas or Shotachu. I would much rather be named after a Disney princess or a Pokémon.

But anyway, Lily overslept this morning (the cheap wine bottles beside her bed explained everything) so now we're late on the second day of school. Thank God Rin and I are in the same second period class, or this would be ten times worse.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

So we walk into class and Sensei (I don't even know his name) is like, "Ah, you two must be the Kagamines! Which one of you is Rin and which one is Len?"

And me and Rin just give each other this horrified look, and then Kaito and Luka are sitting there and stifling laughter and mouthing, "Shotaboy" to me.

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL ANY MORE THAN RIN LOOKS LIKE A BOY

SHE WASN'T EVEN WEARING HER BOW TODAY

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TEASE HER FOR BEING THE MOST FLAT CHESTED FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL ON EARTH

If she wore her hair up, everyone would make fun of her for looking like me. Yet I get made fun of no matter what.

This class is Theory of Knowledge, aka the most FREAKING USELESS CLASS EVER

Obviously, the teacher is crazy. He won't tell us his last name and insists we call him Big Al. No honorific or anything. Even the schedule doesn't say anything besides "AL". I've deemed this my official writing class.

Pssh, like every other class isn't. I'm hilarious.

Rin keeps looking over at me and rolling her eyes every time Big Al says something stupid. I'm surprised her eyes haven't fallen out yet.

Next class is chorus, and then drama, and then French (yay!) so the rest of my day is pretty good, I think.

Now I just need to survive the rest of the class period without punching Big Al in the face.

Kaito's still laughing.

Heads will roll.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Yay, chorus!

Now, I know what you're thinking, only gay guys are in chorus or whatever, but I'd like to see you tell that to Gakupo without getting marred with the katana we all know he has. Kaito would probably just bitch-slap you.

...I'm not completely convinced he's straight. I mean, there's this video of him after he had a bit too much of Meiko's sake, and he's pretty much just running around in a pink Snuggie screaming about how fabulous he is. It's a hilarious video. And he doesn't know I have it.

Anyway, Kaito's probable homosexuality aside, chorus is totally manly. Of course, the sopranos are all girls and the altos are mostly of the female subspecies as well (there's this kid who's, like, more shota-y than I am named Oliver; he's from Britain or something, and I think he skipped a few grades because he's only twelve), but the tenors are me and Kaito and Gakupo and this pink-haired kid named Yuma and Miku's older brother Mikuo and Luka's older brother Luki, who are all pretty cool, but we don't see each other often because all three of them are two years older than us. There's also this kid with white hair and really cool eyes who's one of my pretty close friends named Piko, but according to our comparison of schedules we only have chorus and drama together this year. And then one of Kaito's many brothers, Akaito (Mr. and Mrs. Shion are apparently uncreative when it comes to names) sings bass. Poor guy's the only one. But sometimes Kaito fills in with him.

So, long story short, chorus is very manly.

The chorus and drama teacher is Nekomura Iroha (everyone calls her Neko-sensei because she's totally obsessed with Hello Kitty) and she's an awesome singer and can sing pretty much everything. Like, seriously, she can sing deeper than me sometimes.

...

...not that I sing like a girl or anything...

ANYWAY

Since it was the first day in class, the only things we did were a couple of warm-ups (all of them involved Hello Kitty in some way) and we also watched a bit of High School Musical for reasons unknown.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

If there's one class I like better than chorus, it's drama. It's just so dramatic, and pretty much everyone in chorus is in drama, so we do a bunch of musicals and they're awesome.

Usually, Neko-sensei tells us what our annual musical is on the first day, but this year it's apparently a surprise.

I don't know about anyone else, but I would love for it to be Les Misérables. I'd make a killer Marius.

Or maybe Lion King! ...even though I'd probably be cast as young Simba.

Dammit.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

This day went by really quickly. And it was also fangirl-free! Yay!

French is so easy. I learned most of it in junior high and the rest over the summer, so I'm just taking the class to clean it up a bit.

That's right, Lily, I can be a good student when I want. I just usually don't want to.

Something tells me this is going to be a pretty good year.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

So Lily-chan picks us up and tells us we need to have a talk at home, and you know what happens? SHE GIVES US THE TALK

ME AND RIN

AT THE SAME TIME

IN THE SAME ROOM

WE SHARED A BED UNTIL WE WERE ELEVEN

DO YOU KNOW HOW AWKWARD THAT IS

She's just like, "Now that you're almost fifteen, I think we need to have a chat about some more grown-up things."

Rin and I gave each other another one of our signature "WTF?" looks. Somehow, she takes that as a sign to continue.

"Since you're almost full-fledged teenagers now, there's going to come a point where Len, you're going to want to park your car in some girls garage sometime soon, and that's okay."

At this, I blushed bright red as Rin laughed her head off. But then, Nee-chan kept going.

"And Rin, you're going to want to open your garage for a boy, and that's also okay. Trust me, I know."

And here you have two Kagamine Tomatoes looking at their older sister as if she just grew three more eyes.

WHAT THE HELL GAVE HER THAT IDEA

WHEN DID SHE EVEN LOSE HER VIRGINITY?!

Never mind...I don't want to know. Probably when she was, like, fifteen. Which wasn't too long ago, considering she's only twenty two. And she was probably drunk too.

...

She has no right to lecture us.

I'm in my room now, by the way. I high-tailed it out of there as soon as I could.

Why must I be the only male in this household?

* * *

_**September 15**_

I realize I have not written in six days. Trust me, I'm very well aware. I have an excuse, though.

...

IT WAS ALL NEE-CHAN'S FAULT

She made me sit through a Yu-Gi-Oh marathon all weekend. When did she even get into that stuff? I thought she was too busy being drunk.

This is Lily, by the way.

Anyway, the next few days of school were pretty boring. I got placed next to that relative of Gakupo's in English, but we didn't talk to each other. And then I got attacked by fangirls again on Friday. But then Gaku-kun came to the rescue with his awesome samurai skills! Whoo!

I'm so lucky to have such great friends.

Anyway, I'm in chorus now, and we're getting sheet music for some song Neko-sensei found and WHAT THE HECK

IT'S CALLED MAGNET

AND MIKU AND LUKA ARE GIVING EACH OTHER SUSPICIOUS LOOKS AND BLUSHING

SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE

NEKO-SENSEI WHAT ARE YOU DOING

...

My pencil broke. That's how intense my freak out was.

Great. Now she's putting us in groups of two for duets. I do NOT work well with duets, unless they're with Rin. But no, she gets placed with Kaito. La-dee-flippin'-dah.

Gakupo and Luka are a group. They're both bright red and are awkwardly not looking at each other. Like a pair of awkward tomatoes, but with weirdly-colored hair.

I am so sorry for putting that image in your mind, whoever you are.

Ooooh, I get to find out my partner! It's...Gumi? Oh, Gumi! She's Gakupo's...er...relative. I should probably start paying attention now.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Turns out Gumi's pretty cool. We managed to have a conversation that didn't end up awkwardly. And sing a bit of "Magnet", which definitely ended up awkwardly.

She was like, "Um...you're Len, right?"

So, pause here for a moment, this girl must live under a rock if she can't identify me, the great Len Kagamine, immediately. But I decided not to point anything out and just smiled and nodded.

"The one and only."

She smiled too and sat down next to me in the chair that had previously been occupied by Piko, but he was now practicing (*cough*flirting*cough*) with a chick named Miki. Way to go, Piko. I've finally rubbed off on you.

Hating to be left in silence and being the natural conversation starter I am, I turned to Gumi.

"You're related to Gakupo, right?"

She looked surprised for a minute, but nodded.

"Um...yeah. He's my brother. Well, more like adoptive brother. His parents adopted me. He's cool when he's not ranting about the magnificence of eggplants as the superior vegetable."

"Are eggplants even a vegetable?"

I meant it as a serious question, but she burst out laughing, causing Neko-sensei to give us a questioning glare. As soon as she turned back around, Gumi started again, and I couldn't help but join her.

"Why are we laughing?" she asked as she gasped for air with tears in her eyes.

"I don't know!"

Eventually, we stopped, and she looked at me weirdly. I knew that look anywhere, though.

"Look, I am NOT a shota!"

Her jaw dropped.

"Are you psychic or something?"

I felt like crawling into a corner and dying.

"No. I just...get that look a lot."

Much to my pleasant surprise, she giggled. Damn, this chick laughs a lot.

"We should probably start working on the song, right?" I asked, trying to divert her attention away from my shota-ness. I mean, the kind that doesn't exist!

"Um...oh, yeah, right." She pulled out her sheet music an started looking over it. "This is kind of...weird, isn't it? The lyrics' meaning and stuff?"

I had to stop myself from turning into Tomato Len again. "Er...yeah. Neko-sensei's always been a bit off the deep end, though."

From her office, Neko-sensei shrieked, "I heard that!"

I cringed. Gumi giggled again.

"Seriously, though," I said, looking at the songs' lyrics. "'Forbidden love'? This is so shoujo anime material."

"And you say you're not a shota," she scoffed. Before I could say anything else, she started singing the first few lines, and I had to pick up where she left off.

...

So that's how chorus went. It was actually pretty okay. I think I made a new friend.

Now we're in drama (who knew Gumi was here too?!) and anxiously awaiting the announcement of this year's musical. Neko-sensei decided to be a jerk and left us discussing amongst ourselves for the past twenty minutes.

...

Ah, here she comes! She has a whiteboard, okay...

...

...

...

Things suddenly make sense. Remember how we watched High School Musical in chorus the other day? Guess what our performance is.

High School Musical.

I bet I can guess the main casting already.

Troy - Kaito

Gabriella - Miku

Chad - Gakupo

Taylor - Luka

Sharpay - Rin

Ryan - Me

But wait! According to Neko-sensei, this is a special edition of the musical! Meaning it's pretty much all three movies in one! Yay!

...

I really wanted to be Marius :(

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Turns out Gumi and I have all eight classes together. How I didn't notice that is beyond me.

I'm in French and am casually fuming about the choice of musical this year. Something tells me Neko-sensei's grouping us together for "Magnet" has something to do with it. Each pair has to perform in front of the class next week.

I wish I knew what went on in that Hello Kitty-crazed brain.

~Len


	2. Chapter 2

**Soooo this chapter's a bit shorter than the last because I probably won't update for a few days and wanted this up ASAP. Chapters after this will (hopefully) be longer.**

* * *

**_September 16th_**

Honestly speaking, I have no idea what's going on half the time.

Take, for instance, right now. I'm sitting casually at my desk, listening to Meiko drone on about something I a) don't care about and b) will never, ever need to care about.

...

In hindsight, that might be my problem.

But whatever. I mean, I have bigger problems. Like how I'm going to make my escape without being murdered by fangirls at the end of the day.

About the fangirls, let me explain, as I can imagine that you, dear diary, are very confused.

Last year, I managed to make myself known by starring as Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory around Christmas time. This lovely role turned out to be my downfall, however, because it earned me a fanclub.

Now, you might be thinking that a club full of girls who chase after you all the time is a good thing, but YOU NEED TO GET THAT IDEA OUT OF YOUR MIND. RIGHT. NOW.

Usually I can rely on Miku or Gakupo or Rin to come rescue me from utter destruction, but Miku and Rin have some sort of shopping to do (I didn't pay much attention) and Gakupo has a kendo club meeting. And there's no way in hell I'm asking Kaito, because that's just going to end up badly for everyone.

Long story short, I'm screwed.

Oh crap, Meiko's coming...

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

So it's seventh period now, 'cause it was kinda impossible to write in third period because Ann kept sending vicious glares my way, and I was too busy yelling at my idiotic friends to care to write last period.

Basically, at lunch Miku decided to use her professional detective skills to figure out that I was distressed.

"What's wrong, Lennykins?"

I was admittedly glad that we had risen above the nickname "Shotaboy", but the inner celebration could wait for later.

"You guys are leaving me all alone after school," I whined.

Miku rolled her eyes. "Oh, this again? Come on, Len, man up! Use stealth, force, anything! You can't keep counting on us to get you out of situations."

"Well if these were just situations then I wouldn't bother, but you have to understand that there are like twenty of these girls and I'm a little fourteen-year-old kid."

"So get Kaito to help you," Gakupo suggested. Said ice-cream obsessed idiot nodded in agreement.

"You want me to ask _that_ to help me?" I asked. "No, no, no. That would never work."

"Why not?" Kaito demanded. "I'm plenty reliable."

"For certain things, I would agree," I said. "But this is not one of those things."

"Then solve your own problems, Len," Miku said. It seemed that the conversation was over, so I silently fumed until the end of the period.

And then seventh period started, and here I am abusing the shit out of my poor pencil.

The good(?) thing about this class is that Gumi's sitting next to me, and she's the one person I (think I) can tolerate who hasn't pissed me off today.

Leon-sensei is talking about alliteration and HEY LOOK A NOTE

FROM GUMI

Excuse me for a moment, dear friend.

...

So Gumi has deduced that something is on my mind as well. Kudos to you, Gumi-chan!

Oh, right, the note. It said...

*drum roll*

"What's the matter? You look sad."

And then she drew this little chibi version of her looking all concerned with a question mark over her head.

So I said, "Nothing you should worry about. I'm fine!"

And I drew a banana (quite poorly, I must say) with a smiley face.

Now she's trying not to giggle and writing something...

This probably sounds like a really boring tennis match to you. Sorry, journal, I'll give you the condensed version when all's said and done.

...

...

...

Gumi: "That was very shota-like of you." Subliminal winking chibi Gumi.

Len: "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW BANANAS ARE THE MANLIEST FRUITS OUT THERE"

Gumi: "Yes. Bananas are very manly." Chibi Gumi who suggestively raises her eyebrows.

Len: "You're a pervert! And stop drawing cute things!"

Gumi: "Hey, you set yourself up for it."

And so on. I'm sure you get the general idea.

Anyway, turns out Gumi's really fun to talk to. But aside from that, the bell's gonna ring in approximately seven minutes and I haven't devised an escape plan.

Shoot me now.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Miraculously, I have survived, and it's all thanks to a certain green-haired, goggle-sporting maiden.

That's Gumi, by the way.

When the bell rang, Gumi went off with Akita Neru (famous in my life for dumping me in a trash can in junior high) and I decided to make a quick and painless escape.

When that didn't work, I resorted to stealth.

Now, Rin and I usually walk home from school, since Nee-chan has to work and we don't actually live that far. The only reason we make her drive us in the morning is because neither of us have the willpower to walk that early, no matter how short of a walk it may be.

Regardless, at that moment I would have done anything to have Lily pick me up. But nooooooooooo, I was stuck sneaking around the hallways until every last fangirl was gone.

Unfortunately, Gumi found me before then.

"Hey Len! ...What're you doing?"

I held a finger up to my lips to shush her and pulled her beside me, so she was flat against the wall as well. Before she could protest, I explained.

"You know about the Len Kagamine Fan Club, right?" I whispered.

"That's a real thing?!" she whisper-yelled (don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about). "I thought it was just a gag!"

"Yeah, it started out that way, but then some girls took it seriously and now it's legit. And currently I'm trying to avoid being ripped apart and auctioned off by its members."

Gumi nodded and tapped her chin in thought. "All right, then I'll have to help you out."

Before I had the chance to wonder what the heck she was thinking, she latched herself to my arm and pulled me out into the hallway.

"What are you doing?!" I hissed.

"Play along," she ordered through clenched teeth. Then, out loud and in a very different tone from her normal voice, "Oh, Len-kun, you're so funny! I'm so happy you asked to walk me home!"

Len on the outside (the natural playboy everyone thinks I am): "Well, you _are_ one of the most alluring girls I've ever met."

Len on the inside (the real, spitefully bitter high school student): **GUMIYOUIDIOTNOWEVERYONEINTHATGODDAMNFANCLUBISGOING TOBEOUTFORYOURBLOOD**

Either way, her plan worked and the few people left in the hallway gave us our space and kept their distance. I caught a glare or two from a few semi-familiar faces, but it seemed I had gotten worked up over nothing. Once we had left the school's property, she detached herself from my arm.

"See? Piece of cake."

I nodded. "Yeah...um, thanks for that."

"No problem!" she flashed a victory sign, then stopped short as her watch beeped. "Ah shit, I gotta go. See ya around, Len-kun!"

And with that, she ran off. And now I'm home, writing on my bed all alone and reflecting on those events.

There was really no need for Gumi to do that. I mean, it's not like she owes me anything. Heck, I hardly know her. I guess that's how friendships start, though, huh?

...

I'm talking to a notebook.

~Len


End file.
